Failing

You know how I was trying to be positive? Well, I haven't written in a while because I'm having a hard time with that. I feel like I'm failing. So I've decided to write about that because otherwise this blog will just curl up and die... So as a bit of a warning, this will probably be a rant, and if you're one of those gentle souls that doesn't believe in negative feelings, stop reading now.

First of all, despite my contrived list of things I like about the Netherlands, the honest truth is that I hate it here. I've been here almost 8 years and despite my 'integrated' life, internally I seriously doubt that I will ever feel like I belong here. I am not Dutch. I will never be Dutch. The list of things that annoy me here on a daily basis overwhelmingly surpasses, exceeds and outweighs the list of things I like. Yes, there are good days and bad days. But if I consider my entire experience living here, I wonder how I even manage to stay another day.

Yet obviously, I manage to stay because I have a life here and I can't leave. Even when I had nothing to tie me down, picking up and moving to another country was difficult. And now I have a mortgage on a house that drops in value every year, amounting to a burden that is quite literally a cage keeping me here. I have a Dutch husband (for the moment. I can't say our relationship is terribly healthy righ now either) who refuses to leave the Netherlands for at least the next 20 years. Leaving the Netherlands means leaving him (or waiting until retirement). And I have a Dutch son. If I were to leave, husband and country, would I even get custody of him? And if I did, how would I manage?! I don't make enough money to support the two of us, and I quail at the thought of looking after him all by myself without ever a break. Although, I suppose if I were to return to Canada, even just to regroup, probably meaning staying with my parents, they would be able to help me out a bit in that area. But anyway. These are hypothetical. The reality is that I'm trapped here and I hate it.

I am stuck at home every day. Essentially the only people I ever see are my husband and my son. I take The Little Ninja to daycare in the morning, then sit behind my computer procrastinating/working/worrying about not having enough work all day. At 5:30, when The Recyclist brings home The Little Ninja, I basically have to have dinner on the table. That or face screaming from one or both of them. Then I look after TLN until he's in bed. I can either watch tv with The Recyclist in the evening, or be relegated to trying to read over the background noise of the cursed tv. There's only one living room and my only other option is to go upstairs. Where I sit all day.

I don't make enough money because I don't get enough work and because I get paid too little for the work that I do. Despite my years of experience (ever increasing!) my clients continually force my rates down. I earn less every year. So I worry about not getting enough work, because it means we have less income. And while my rates are being forced ever downward, prices for everything else are going up. I desperately need some time off to just unwind, but I feel guilty for every assignment I turn down because that's income we won't have.

I also hate my job. I procrastinate because I don't actually want to do the work. I'm bored. I'm always on the lookout for other jobs, but my options are limited to engineering in Rotterdam 5 days a week, or some local part time job. Neither option really appeals. I was looking at some schools to see if I could retrain to do something more hands-on. Sadly, even training to be a construction assistant (to hold the bucket of nails and fetch coffee) takes at least a year, full time. And there's no work in construction anyway. Rather pathetically, the apprenticeships, if I could get one (unlikely, given that: I am female, I am 'old' and would therefore cost more - minimum wage is age-based, construction hours are not compatible with daycare hours, and, again, there are no jobs) look like they would earn me more than I'm making now (as a translator/editor with a degree and six years' experience). But I would go out of my mind doing something so menial.

I'm trying to figure out what I could do to fix my situation. What hands-on job requires real thinking? Because I really miss having to think. I used to be really smart. Seriously. The lowest I have ever gotten on an IQ test was 140, (and I blame the noisy environment when I took it). I was always in the 'enhanced/gifted' class at school. I love solving problems. I love thinking and coming up with new ideas, new ways to do things. I am easily bored and crave something new. Not like new employer; more like new career. This is extremely difficult to facilitate in the Dutch labour market, where you need a piece of paper to qualify you to do anything. Seriously. Work at McDonalds? Hospitality certificate. Plant trees? Gardening diploma. Secretarial work? Secretarial diploma. And I don't actually want to do any of those things, certainly not badly enough to go get a certificate for it. Those papers also limit you. I have a mechanical engineering degree, which here only allows me to do mechanical engineering (in theory, interesting. In practice: boring). I have excellent English skills, something that, considering the standard of English here, should be prized more highly. My Dutch is about as good as any foreigner is likely to get. I want to work with my hands on something tangible. I thrive on change. I feel completely confined here. And though I keep on keeping on, I hate it. I'm dying inside.

To continue my rant, I feel completely unappreciated. And unheard. Invisible even. The only positive feedback I get from my clients is that they keep coming back to me. Despite this, they keep pushing down my rates, implying that if I don't lower my rates, they'll go to someone else... and I know they will, too.  My husband's every word seems to be criticism of something I'm doing or not doing. You know 'defensive driving'? I seem to be defensive living. People seem to literally not see me. I have to watch out for cars, bikes, even people walking - they'd run right over me. (Part of this has to do with the inconsiderate nature of Dutch people, which I can go into at length. Don't get me started.) I live a photoshopped facebook life that almost exclusively highlights the positive, and my Dad still had the gall to criticize me yesterday for swearing in a comment on someone else's photo.  I can't even fucking swear on facebook anymore? I didn't invite my family to be my facebook friends. I felt obligated to accept their requests. I don't want them on there. I want to be able to post things that they can't read. I carefully filter my life for them already when I talk to them. Now I have to censor facebook too, my one link to my friends around the world? I almost unfriended him, right then, but didn't, because it would be unfair, since he's stalking me through his wife's account and she didn't say anything. I feel like I can't even live my life truthfully. Everything has to be great to the outside world. But I'm so tired of faking it. Of lying. Hence the rant here; this anonymous blog is my sole outlet. Can't I ever be honest to actual people who know me? Don't I have the right to say that I am unhappy and discontent with my life right now?