I am struggling with a lot of identity, purpose and direction issues right now. I feel torn. There are things that I want for myself, things that I believe I am meant to be doing, but I am held back by the life I have built for myself. I think that my purpose is to physically work towards saving the environment. And I feel that to do that, I need to be in a location that needs physical help. Like the desert. Or the rainforest. Or the tundra. Or working on things related to saving these areas, things I don't really believe I can do here, in the Netherlands. And I can't do any of it because I have built this life, this family, this home and I am stuck here.
I feel torn, because I feel a pull to be somewhere else, making a difference, when I am sort of trapped by responsibility, obligation and love, to be here with my family. It's also awkward, because I feel like I can't make a difference here. This may have something to do with the 'terrible twos' and The Little Ninja asserting his independence, but I feel like I am stuck in a constant battle with him. And I'm losing. I feel like I have no impact here at all. Like I am totally useless. No one even listens to me or pays any attention to me. This combines with my complete burn-out in the work sphere, where I also feel I am not making any difference in the world and am not even actually making any money, either. Which is sort of the whole point of a job. If I have to do something that completely bores and/or frustrates me, I should at least have something to show for it. And I don't. The only thing I have to show for it is a growing list of physical problems and internal turmoil.
So. Amidst all of this tension is the desire to have a second child. Logically, it is a stupid choice. I can barely handle the one-child family I have now. I hated being pregnant and I still remember how absolutely horrible delivery was. And pregnancy and delivery are really kind of necessary parts of having children. And I do consider that things will likely ease up a bit when The Little Ninja starts school in another year and a half. And I know that having another child would add to the stress, the responsibility, the workload and postpone any possible freedom for at least another 4 years.
And children are a gamble: you don't know what they're going to be like until they're born. I know that I might have another child (or twins!) that is (are) just as difficult as TLN. And that scares me, because I truly don't know if I could handle that. I mean, physically and developmentally, TLN is perfectly healthy and I am still driven to tears trying to deal with him. I could have a child with health issues or developmental issues, which would force me into a role I could not thrive in and essentially deprive me of any possible sort of freedom in the future. And that would probably kill me. But delivery could kill me too. If it hadn't been for modern medicine, both TLN and I likely would have died during the childbirth process. I know that. Childbirth remains a major risk.
So, logically, the choice is simple. Deal with the one child I already have, keep on keeping on until this phase or whatever passes (please, please be a phase that passes), and be prepared to sacrifice yet another year of my purpose, drive, passion, and self, really, to this one child with the hope that after that, when he starts school, I can then get my own life on track and do something I feel is meaningful.
So where's the dilemma, right?
It's here: I don't believe that family decisions should be made with logic. I believe that these are the decisions that should be made with the heart. My heart knows everything my head knows. It knows how I constantly struggle with TLN. It knows that a second child may only add to my distress. But it still yearns for another child. It has faith.
And it is possible that a second child would be easier than TLN. I see it in families all around me; two totally different children, with totally different temperaments and personalities, one easier and the other more difficult to handle. And I hear regularly that delivering a second child is much easier/faster than the first. These things are all possible.
But I am afraid that it would be even harder. I am afraid it might kill me. I am afraid of being trapped in this current role and place. I already feel guilty for wanting a different life than I have. And yet I yearn to entrap myself even further with another child, another chain keeping me here, useless and unfulfilled. Unhappy. It is stupid. And I see that. Believe me. And yet, somehow, it STILL seems like the right thing to do. And this conspires to only add to the turmoil inside me. I want yet another thing that I shouldn't want.
Popular wisdom says that you should design your life around the things you want to have achieved when you die. So that if you were to look back on your life on your deathbed, you would be satisfied with the life you had lived and the achievements and contributions you had made.
I need to make a difference. I want to contribute. And I want a family. Are these things mutually exclusive? I don't believe they should be. But then I wonder if I'm just rushing too much. Why can't I take a few years from my purpose to have the family? I can't do it later. Time is running out as it is. If I am going to have another child, now is the time to do it. Now, when the likelihood of a chromosomal anomaly is still reasonably low. Now, while I still have most of the baby equipment needed. Now, so that I can stop sitting on the fence about this one issue and confidently move toward the future - freedom delayed by a few years, true, but not by indecision.
But what if my haste is some unconscious knowledge that I won't live to be 94 like my grandfather? What if time is running out in more respects than just fertility, and if I am going to make any difference in the world, it needs to be now? Then I need to focus on that. And forget family expansion.
But something inside me won't let me decide with any finality not to have another child. I can't do it. And yet I fear to move forward... My head is decided one way, my heart the other. And so I sit here, on the fence, torn, waiting for something to change, to shift the balance.
Showing posts with label decisions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label decisions. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
Monday, November 12, 2012
Bathroom reno 4 times more expensive than expected
Well, shit. Hoping to continue my fall buying spree, I set up an appointment to design and get a quote for the bathroom renovation that I've been wanting since we moved in here 5 years ago.
The remodelling would include demolishing the current bathroom, reworking the plumbing and electrical for a totally different layout, constructing two partitions, installating a built-in shower and toilet, a bath tub, radiator and new sink/cabinet as well as tiling the floor and walls. My naivete estimated this should cost no more than 5000 euros.
Ha. Haha. Haha.
So we worked out a list of all the hardware that design would include. The estimate for this alone was more than 12,000 euros. Ouch. And that wasn't even including installation costs, which apparently would be another 8000 on top of that, bringing the estimated total to just over 20,000 euros.
Only 4 times what I thought it would cost.
How did this enormous price difference come about?
I think it was partly because I was not looking at top quality hardware like that offered at the store I went to. I was looking at what are likely 'budget' versions of the items sold at the store I went to today. It was also partly that I was sort of thinking about doing it myself. It might also have something to do with me not really having any idea how long a professional would take to do it or how much they earn per hour.
Anyway. Changing a few items to cheaper versions and arranging my own contractor would apparently bring the price down to a mere 12,000 euros total. I told the salesman I'd have to discuss it with my husband (no.1 reason to never go with your spouse when you expect a sales pitch). Whew. Got out of there unscathed - though it did take almost a whole freaking day to investigate.
Will I pay 12,000 euros for the bathroom I designed today?
No.
Was my estimate of 5000 euros realistic?
Probably not.
I hope I win the lottery this month.
But even if that doesn't happen, I think we need to rethink this bathroom reno. I really want a bath tub and The Little Ninja is quickly growing out of his baby bath. He doesn't like showers. That might force the issue again in a couple of months. But even if we can bring it down to about 8000 euros, which is pretty possible, I think, considering the dead housing and reno market at the moment and the fact that I don't care if I have designer hardware in my bathroom as long as it fits in with the bathroom style and layout I have in mind. But even that's a lot of money. Especially if you've just recently bought 2 computers and a car.
And yet. Despite the money I've been handing out left and right in the last month, this is really something completely separate. If we just bite the bullet and do the bathroom reno, it'll be done and we'll be able to use and enjoy it every day. Like with the car. It's just coincidence that I'm bankrupting us all at once, right? After this I'll stop the spree. At least until we go to Canada at Christmas, of course.
The remodelling would include demolishing the current bathroom, reworking the plumbing and electrical for a totally different layout, constructing two partitions, installating a built-in shower and toilet, a bath tub, radiator and new sink/cabinet as well as tiling the floor and walls. My naivete estimated this should cost no more than 5000 euros.
Ha. Haha. Haha.
So we worked out a list of all the hardware that design would include. The estimate for this alone was more than 12,000 euros. Ouch. And that wasn't even including installation costs, which apparently would be another 8000 on top of that, bringing the estimated total to just over 20,000 euros.
Only 4 times what I thought it would cost.
How did this enormous price difference come about?
I think it was partly because I was not looking at top quality hardware like that offered at the store I went to. I was looking at what are likely 'budget' versions of the items sold at the store I went to today. It was also partly that I was sort of thinking about doing it myself. It might also have something to do with me not really having any idea how long a professional would take to do it or how much they earn per hour.
Anyway. Changing a few items to cheaper versions and arranging my own contractor would apparently bring the price down to a mere 12,000 euros total. I told the salesman I'd have to discuss it with my husband (no.1 reason to never go with your spouse when you expect a sales pitch). Whew. Got out of there unscathed - though it did take almost a whole freaking day to investigate.
Will I pay 12,000 euros for the bathroom I designed today?
No.
Was my estimate of 5000 euros realistic?
Probably not.
I hope I win the lottery this month.
But even if that doesn't happen, I think we need to rethink this bathroom reno. I really want a bath tub and The Little Ninja is quickly growing out of his baby bath. He doesn't like showers. That might force the issue again in a couple of months. But even if we can bring it down to about 8000 euros, which is pretty possible, I think, considering the dead housing and reno market at the moment and the fact that I don't care if I have designer hardware in my bathroom as long as it fits in with the bathroom style and layout I have in mind. But even that's a lot of money. Especially if you've just recently bought 2 computers and a car.
And yet. Despite the money I've been handing out left and right in the last month, this is really something completely separate. If we just bite the bullet and do the bathroom reno, it'll be done and we'll be able to use and enjoy it every day. Like with the car. It's just coincidence that I'm bankrupting us all at once, right? After this I'll stop the spree. At least until we go to Canada at Christmas, of course.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Buying a car: form or function?
I'm in the process of buying my first car (shut up; I'm only 33). The process is kicking my ass.
I'm not all that good at easy, inconsequential decisions, like what to eat for dinner or what should I wear? A big, momentous decision like this will likely take me months, if not years, at which time I'll just randomly impulse-buy something because I'm so fed up with the whole thing. OK, it might not take that long, but it will still probably end in eeny-meany-miny-moe. I'm hoping to make a more reasoned decision before it comes to that.
Deciding which car to buy has been taking up serious brain space ever since I finally got my Dutch driver's licence, back in June. I narrowed it down to the class of car and basically decided to buy new, but I got distracted by press releases about the new Renault Clio, which wasn't out yet and decided to hold off on any decision until I could see and drive that one for myself.
Fast-forward four months to now. The car has arrived at Renault dealerships across the country. I've seen the car. I've driven it. I drank the bottle of wine they gave me in celebration of the car's launch. And now I can't make up my mind which one to buy.
I didn't realise the joyous process of buying a car was so freakin' difficult.
These are the two finalists:
Renault Clio IV
Pros: GORGEOUS. Easy Isofix system for child car seats. GORGEOUS. Renault has a good (prestigious) name. GORGEOUS. Total customisation. Fancy touch-screen with GPS.
Cons: More expensive. 2-year warranty. Cheap/flimsy/weird rear door handles. Relatively big blind spot. The clutch vibrates a lot. 4 month wait on delivery.
Hyundai i20
Pros: Cheaper. 5-year warranty. No wait time. Basically no blind spot.
Cons: No 'wow' factor.
I can see that logically I should choose the Hyundai. But aesthetics aren't about logic. Clearly there's something to be said for driving in a nice car, or who would ever buy fancy sports cars? and this is my first car. It's a big deal to me. But how much is the prestige worth? Is feeling like a million bucks worth a few thousand euros and a 4 month wait?
So it's come down to form or function. Do I go for looks or reliability? Am I prepared to pay more and wait longer for the looks? Or should I give in to reason and the amazing warranty (can be extended to 7 years). That's a lot of years of not worrying about my car....
Gaaaa. What would you do?
I'm not all that good at easy, inconsequential decisions, like what to eat for dinner or what should I wear? A big, momentous decision like this will likely take me months, if not years, at which time I'll just randomly impulse-buy something because I'm so fed up with the whole thing. OK, it might not take that long, but it will still probably end in eeny-meany-miny-moe. I'm hoping to make a more reasoned decision before it comes to that.
Deciding which car to buy has been taking up serious brain space ever since I finally got my Dutch driver's licence, back in June. I narrowed it down to the class of car and basically decided to buy new, but I got distracted by press releases about the new Renault Clio, which wasn't out yet and decided to hold off on any decision until I could see and drive that one for myself.
Fast-forward four months to now. The car has arrived at Renault dealerships across the country. I've seen the car. I've driven it. I drank the bottle of wine they gave me in celebration of the car's launch. And now I can't make up my mind which one to buy.
I didn't realise the joyous process of buying a car was so freakin' difficult.
These are the two finalists:
Renault Clio IV
Cons: More expensive. 2-year warranty. Cheap/flimsy/weird rear door handles. Relatively big blind spot. The clutch vibrates a lot. 4 month wait on delivery.
Hyundai i20
Cons: No 'wow' factor.
I can see that logically I should choose the Hyundai. But aesthetics aren't about logic. Clearly there's something to be said for driving in a nice car, or who would ever buy fancy sports cars? and this is my first car. It's a big deal to me. But how much is the prestige worth? Is feeling like a million bucks worth a few thousand euros and a 4 month wait?
So it's come down to form or function. Do I go for looks or reliability? Am I prepared to pay more and wait longer for the looks? Or should I give in to reason and the amazing warranty (can be extended to 7 years). That's a lot of years of not worrying about my car....
Gaaaa. What would you do?
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