More ninjas? The second baby dilemma

I am struggling with a lot of identity, purpose and direction issues right now. I feel torn. There are things that I want for myself, things that I believe I am meant to be doing, but I am held back by the life I have built for myself. I think that my purpose is to physically work towards saving the environment. And I feel that to do that, I need to be in a location that needs physical help. Like the desert. Or the rainforest. Or the tundra. Or working on things related to saving these areas, things I don't really believe I can do here, in the Netherlands. And I can't do any of it because I have built this life, this family, this home and I am stuck here.

I feel torn, because I feel a pull to be somewhere else, making a difference, when I am sort of trapped by responsibility, obligation and love, to be here with my family. It's also awkward, because I feel like I can't make a difference here. This may have something to do with the 'terrible twos' and The Little Ninja asserting his independence, but I feel like I am stuck in a constant battle with him. And I'm losing. I feel like I have no impact here at all. Like I am totally useless. No one even listens to me or pays any attention to me. This combines with my complete burn-out in the work sphere, where I also feel I am not making any difference in the world and am not even actually making any money, either. Which is sort of the whole point of a job. If I have to do something that completely bores and/or frustrates me, I should at least have something to show for it. And I don't. The only thing I have to show for it is a growing list of physical problems and internal turmoil.

So. Amidst all of this tension is the desire to have a second child. Logically, it is a stupid choice. I can barely handle the one-child family I have now. I hated being pregnant and I still remember how absolutely horrible delivery was. And pregnancy and delivery are really kind of necessary parts of having children. And I do consider that things will likely ease up a bit when The Little Ninja starts school in another year and a half. And I know that having another child would add to the stress, the responsibility, the workload and postpone any possible freedom for at least another 4 years.

And children are a gamble: you don't know what they're going to be like until they're born. I know that I might have another child (or twins!) that is (are) just as difficult as TLN. And that scares me, because I truly don't know if I could handle that. I mean, physically and developmentally, TLN is perfectly healthy and I am still driven to tears trying to deal with him.  I could have a child with health issues or developmental issues, which would force me into a role I could not thrive in and essentially deprive me of any possible sort of freedom in the future. And that would probably kill me. But delivery could kill me too. If it hadn't been for modern medicine, both TLN and I likely would have died during the childbirth process. I know that. Childbirth remains a major risk.

So, logically, the choice is simple. Deal with the one child I already have, keep on keeping on until this phase or whatever passes (please, please be a phase that passes), and be prepared to sacrifice yet another year of my purpose, drive, passion, and self, really, to this one child with the hope that after that, when he starts school, I can then get my own life on track and do something I feel is meaningful.

So where's the dilemma, right?

It's here: I don't believe that family decisions should be made with logic. I believe that these are the decisions that should be made with the heart. My heart knows everything my head knows. It knows how I constantly struggle with TLN. It knows that a second child may only add to my distress. But it still yearns for another child. It has faith.

And it is possible that a second child would be easier than TLN. I see it in families all around me; two totally different children, with totally different temperaments and personalities, one easier and the other more difficult to handle. And I hear regularly that delivering a second child is much easier/faster than the first. These things are all possible.

But I am afraid that it would be even harder. I am afraid it might kill me. I am afraid of being trapped in this current role and place. I already feel guilty for wanting a different life than I have. And yet I yearn to entrap myself even further with another child, another chain keeping me here, useless and unfulfilled. Unhappy. It is stupid. And I see that. Believe me. And yet, somehow, it STILL seems like the right thing to do. And this conspires to only add to the turmoil inside me. I want yet another thing that I shouldn't want.

Popular wisdom says that you should design your life around the things you want to have achieved when you die. So that if you were to look back on your life on your deathbed, you would be satisfied with the life you had lived and the achievements and contributions you had made.

I need to make a difference. I want to contribute. And I want a family. Are these things mutually exclusive? I don't believe they should be. But then I wonder if I'm just rushing too much. Why can't I take a few years from my purpose to have the family? I can't do it later. Time is running out as it is. If I am going to have another child, now is the time to do it. Now, when the likelihood of a chromosomal anomaly is still reasonably low. Now, while I still have most of the baby equipment needed. Now, so that I can stop sitting on the fence about this one issue and confidently move toward the future - freedom delayed by a few years, true, but not by indecision.

But what if my haste is some unconscious knowledge that I won't live to be 94 like my grandfather? What if time is running out in more respects than just fertility, and if I am going to make any difference in the world, it needs to be now? Then I need to focus on that. And forget family expansion.

But something inside me won't let me decide with any finality not to have another child. I can't do it. And yet I fear to move forward... My head is decided one way, my heart the other. And so I sit here, on the fence, torn, waiting for something to change, to shift the balance.

Failing

You know how I was trying to be positive? Well, I haven't written in a while because I'm having a hard time with that. I feel like I'm failing. So I've decided to write about that because otherwise this blog will just curl up and die... So as a bit of a warning, this will probably be a rant, and if you're one of those gentle souls that doesn't believe in negative feelings, stop reading now.

First of all, despite my contrived list of things I like about the Netherlands, the honest truth is that I hate it here. I've been here almost 8 years and despite my 'integrated' life, internally I seriously doubt that I will ever feel like I belong here. I am not Dutch. I will never be Dutch. The list of things that annoy me here on a daily basis overwhelmingly surpasses, exceeds and outweighs the list of things I like. Yes, there are good days and bad days. But if I consider my entire experience living here, I wonder how I even manage to stay another day.

Yet obviously, I manage to stay because I have a life here and I can't leave. Even when I had nothing to tie me down, picking up and moving to another country was difficult. And now I have a mortgage on a house that drops in value every year, amounting to a burden that is quite literally a cage keeping me here. I have a Dutch husband (for the moment. I can't say our relationship is terribly healthy righ now either) who refuses to leave the Netherlands for at least the next 20 years. Leaving the Netherlands means leaving him (or waiting until retirement). And I have a Dutch son. If I were to leave, husband and country, would I even get custody of him? And if I did, how would I manage?! I don't make enough money to support the two of us, and I quail at the thought of looking after him all by myself without ever a break. Although, I suppose if I were to return to Canada, even just to regroup, probably meaning staying with my parents, they would be able to help me out a bit in that area. But anyway. These are hypothetical. The reality is that I'm trapped here and I hate it.

I am stuck at home every day. Essentially the only people I ever see are my husband and my son. I take The Little Ninja to daycare in the morning, then sit behind my computer procrastinating/working/worrying about not having enough work all day. At 5:30, when The Recyclist brings home The Little Ninja, I basically have to have dinner on the table. That or face screaming from one or both of them. Then I look after TLN until he's in bed. I can either watch tv with The Recyclist in the evening, or be relegated to trying to read over the background noise of the cursed tv. There's only one living room and my only other option is to go upstairs. Where I sit all day.

I don't make enough money because I don't get enough work and because I get paid too little for the work that I do. Despite my years of experience (ever increasing!) my clients continually force my rates down. I earn less every year. So I worry about not getting enough work, because it means we have less income. And while my rates are being forced ever downward, prices for everything else are going up. I desperately need some time off to just unwind, but I feel guilty for every assignment I turn down because that's income we won't have.

I also hate my job. I procrastinate because I don't actually want to do the work. I'm bored. I'm always on the lookout for other jobs, but my options are limited to engineering in Rotterdam 5 days a week, or some local part time job. Neither option really appeals. I was looking at some schools to see if I could retrain to do something more hands-on. Sadly, even training to be a construction assistant (to hold the bucket of nails and fetch coffee) takes at least a year, full time. And there's no work in construction anyway. Rather pathetically, the apprenticeships, if I could get one (unlikely, given that: I am female, I am 'old' and would therefore cost more - minimum wage is age-based, construction hours are not compatible with daycare hours, and, again, there are no jobs) look like they would earn me more than I'm making now (as a translator/editor with a degree and six years' experience). But I would go out of my mind doing something so menial.

I'm trying to figure out what I could do to fix my situation. What hands-on job requires real thinking? Because I really miss having to think. I used to be really smart. Seriously. The lowest I have ever gotten on an IQ test was 140, (and I blame the noisy environment when I took it). I was always in the 'enhanced/gifted' class at school. I love solving problems. I love thinking and coming up with new ideas, new ways to do things. I am easily bored and crave something new. Not like new employer; more like new career. This is extremely difficult to facilitate in the Dutch labour market, where you need a piece of paper to qualify you to do anything. Seriously. Work at McDonalds? Hospitality certificate. Plant trees? Gardening diploma. Secretarial work? Secretarial diploma. And I don't actually want to do any of those things, certainly not badly enough to go get a certificate for it. Those papers also limit you. I have a mechanical engineering degree, which here only allows me to do mechanical engineering (in theory, interesting. In practice: boring). I have excellent English skills, something that, considering the standard of English here, should be prized more highly. My Dutch is about as good as any foreigner is likely to get. I want to work with my hands on something tangible. I thrive on change. I feel completely confined here. And though I keep on keeping on, I hate it. I'm dying inside.

To continue my rant, I feel completely unappreciated. And unheard. Invisible even. The only positive feedback I get from my clients is that they keep coming back to me. Despite this, they keep pushing down my rates, implying that if I don't lower my rates, they'll go to someone else... and I know they will, too.  My husband's every word seems to be criticism of something I'm doing or not doing. You know 'defensive driving'? I seem to be defensive living. People seem to literally not see me. I have to watch out for cars, bikes, even people walking - they'd run right over me. (Part of this has to do with the inconsiderate nature of Dutch people, which I can go into at length. Don't get me started.) I live a photoshopped facebook life that almost exclusively highlights the positive, and my Dad still had the gall to criticize me yesterday for swearing in a comment on someone else's photo.  I can't even fucking swear on facebook anymore? I didn't invite my family to be my facebook friends. I felt obligated to accept their requests. I don't want them on there. I want to be able to post things that they can't read. I carefully filter my life for them already when I talk to them. Now I have to censor facebook too, my one link to my friends around the world? I almost unfriended him, right then, but didn't, because it would be unfair, since he's stalking me through his wife's account and she didn't say anything. I feel like I can't even live my life truthfully. Everything has to be great to the outside world. But I'm so tired of faking it. Of lying. Hence the rant here; this anonymous blog is my sole outlet. Can't I ever be honest to actual people who know me? Don't I have the right to say that I am unhappy and discontent with my life right now?

Getting back to normal

Today we put our CDs back where they belong.

Where The Little Ninja's toys had taken over the bottom shelves and where we had removed the CDs from the lowest 4 rows or so in an effort to keep them out of TLN's grabby little hands, there reside CDs once again. We need a new place for TLN's toys, of course, but I'm hoping to use this as an excuse to get rid of some of them. The Box - a really nice wooden playpen that is currently getting very little use - is slowly acquiring a horde of stuff we want out of immediate view (like the Duplo box, for example). Ultimately, however, we hope to sell that too. And then we'll just be swimming in the tidal wave of toys displaced by the missing prison-like enclosure of The Box. Cross that bridge when we get to it, though, right?

For now, I'm reveling in the freedom to actually access music by bands that start with S - Z. Bring on The Tea Party, Yellow Monkey, and X Japan!

A change'll do ya good

This is so true. Especially for me. Because I am addicted to change. And since my husband, um... isn't, I don't get enough without going out of my way to do so.  So you can imagine that I might be getting frustrated with my walk to and from The Little Ninja's daycare, as the last 700m have been the same each way all summer. The first part I can vary, but that last bit is the same stretch of the same road, over and over, rain, heavy rain or cloud. (I wasn't kidding when I said summer just started yesterday.)

But today the soccer club next to the daycare had its first game of the season, and this opened up an alternate route that hasn't been available since the season finished in the spring. Instead of that same road again, afternoons when the club is open, I can take a pathway through the club, changing my entire route. It's a nicer route, too. I don't have to walk along the road at all, I can just stay on the bike/walking paths. Yay!

Other people, I think, could also do with a change. Doesn't anyone consider their facial expression when walking down the street or biking? Seriously, people, you're in public! Passing others constantly. How hard is it to have a pleasant expression on your face, if smiling and saying hello are simply too much to ask? Even in warm, sunny weather, the likes of which we haven't seen since May, almost everyone I passed today had a scowl on their face. Not very friendly, I tell you. Not terribly positive. I mean, I know Holland prides itself on its ability to complain, but seriously? It's pathetic and depressing. It was a beautiful day today. Smile! Enjoy the ride/walk. Greet your neighbours!

I realize that my friendly Canadian disposition will never really fit in here, and I'm not really expecting anyone to say hello (I learned that lesson long ago) but I think scowling is a bit excessive. I mean, not only does it make all the people you pass think that a) you don't like them and b) you're evil, but doesn't it also make you feel angry and upset as well? I tried to fit in in Russia with a scowl (even Dutch people have NOTHING on the negativity that is Russia), but I just made myself feel angry. Really people. Try smiling. A change'll do ya good.