Christmas stress

There was a time, not so very long ago, that Christmas was my favourite time of the year. And a Christmas in Canada was the be-all and end-all of Christmasses. When I first emigrated, I couldn't imagine missing even a single year. It wasn't until I was married that I had a Christmas anywhere else. We currently have a tentative agreement that we will go to Canada for Christmas every other year. The bitch of it is that my parents are divorced. So, obviously, we can only spend Christmas with one or the other. Back in the day this wasn't such an issue as they both lived in the same city and moving back and forth was easy - we could stay for a week, a day, an hour, whatever. Christmas eve and Christmas morning with my Mom, Christmas dinner with my Dad or vice versa. Now, however, there's a good three hour drive between them. A drive I'd really prefer to only make once. And this screws up the scheduling incredibly.

My parents, both Jedi Guilt Masters, somehow make me feel like shit no matter what I do. I realise that I can't please everyone, but why can't they realise that too? And suck it up. Yes, it's my 'fault' that I live so far away, but it wasn't my fault that my parents split up (ultimately causing this whole mess), or that my Mom moved to the back end of beyond (aggravating this whole mess). Yet I get all the shit. 

We pay thousands of euros and spend 12 hours traveling with a fidgety toddler, (8 hours in a plane with him on my lap, no less,) going clearly out of our way to spend the holidays there with them, then have to rent a car and drive another three hours to visit my mom, and still it's not good enough. Nobody appreciates the money and effort we fork out to do this for them. It's all about who will get us on Christmas. Seriously. It's just a day, people. A numbered square on the calendar. There is NO REASON AT ALL that we can't have a fan-frigging-tastic Christmas celebration on a DIFFERENT DAY. We don't go to church. We're not religious. What the hell difference does it make whether we see X parent on the 23rd or on the 25th or on the 28th? Call it Christmas whatever day it is, have a great time, and enjoy being all together. That's what it's about, isn't it?

Needless to say, my ideal image of Christmas in Canada is quickly eroding. Half the time it doesn't even snow anymore. And the last time we went at Christmas we only made it out of Europe because I am a very good, experienced, determined traveller (Really. I should tell you THAT story sometime). The snow kept almost everyone else wherever they were until after Christmas. And weather conditions like that are always a risk as well. Going to Canada at any time entails the constant stress of living in someone else's house and having to always be sociable and inclusive, the agreeing to see everyone because, hey, we're not there that often, dealing with an upset toddler whose schedule is out of whack (though I hope this will improve as he gets older). I used to go at Christmas because I couldn't imagine it any other way. Now I think it's mostly guilt forcing me back, because I DID decide to live in a different country. Will I ever live that down?

As you might expect from my rant above, I've come up with an alternative. An idea is growing in the back of my mind, one that my parents aren't going to like a bit: maybe we shouldn't go to Canada at Christmas at all. We can go in the summer. It's warmer, there's more to do, and no one cares which days we go where as long as both my parents get to see us. In fact, it would work out cheaper and FAR more convenient for us even to pay for them to come here, especially after this year, as The Little Ninja will then require a seat of his own. Also, as of January, we will have a car, so no one will have to rent one or suffer public transit. Then Mom can come one year, Dad can come the other, and WE don't have to go anywhere. They each get to see us at Christmas twice as often as they do now, and I don't have to stress as much (obviously this would still entail a substantial suitcase of stress because I am not a comfortable hostess, but I digress). The idea hasn't grown so big, yet, that I would consider mentioning it to my parents, but we'll see how the holidays go...

Canada, take 2

We've been back almost a month, so I guess I've recovered enough to talk about it. Canada was alright. I mean, parts of it were great, but parts of it still kind of sucked. I'm starting to think the 'problem' however, is just me. I mean, as the Recyclist so rationally claims, you just have to expect some obligation and guilting on a trip like that. And that's true. I understand that my family wants to see me (or, more truthfully, The Little Ninja,) as much as possible and preferably on as many occasions as possible.

I've realized that the part I have trouble with is the people. The constant visiting, and, in the end, even my own little family's constant presence. As a clear-cut introvert, I need time by myself. Without family, friends, or, I now realize, even my own husband and son. I need time ALONE. Making the trip longer to spread out visits, therefore, is not the answer. Making the trip shorter so I can get back to alone-time, well, that might be a better one. Or just taking off on the Recyclist and The Little Ninja, making my escape in the rental car. What? Just for a few days.

Back in black

Well, back, anyway. I'm always in black. Seriously. I'm one of those.

Anyway... Seeing that my last post was about the disappointment of my last trip to Canada, I figured that now would be a good time to start writing again, as our next trip is just a week away.

You will all (ha ha) undoubtedly be proud to note that I have, as resolved, implemented a few changes. We are indeed going for three weeks, but starting with a two-day stopover in Iceland to enjoy Reykjavik and relax in the Blue Lagoon before continuing on to Toronto.

We have also rented a cottage in Cottage Country (up north, in the lakey, woodsy tamed wilderness that is Haliburton) for a week in the middle. This might give us some time alone, or just merely move the frustration up north. (I still invited my family up to the cottage with us.)

We'll see. I'm hoping for the best. At the very worst, we'll still have a nice lake nearby to drown my parents swim in and all my favourite Canadian junk food on hand to eat away our frustrations enjoy.

Worst Vacation Ever

Seriously.

The almost two weeks that we went to Canada to visit my family amount overwhelmingly to the worst vacation ever.

We saw my folks. We saw family and friends. Everyone got to meet The Little Ninja. We even had nice weather and went to nice places. We survived the tiptoe dance on eggshells around my parents and the inevitable guilt trips for living so far away, not visiting often enough, not sending enough photos and any other perceived slights. I suppose it was a successful family visit.

But it was a horrible vacation.

Vacations are supposed to be relaxing. Isn't that the whole point? Living at my parents' houses for 12 days, while possibly enjoyable for them, was a nightmare for me. It was far more work than just being at home, as their houses are just not equipped and arranged as efficiently as ours. It was far more stressful because it's not home and there are unwritten, unspoken expectations and judgments about everything and whereas at home I can do what I want when not looking after The Little Ninja, that is just SO not the case there. There is NO REST. The Recyclist doesn't seem to conform to the whole 'make-yourself-at-home' policy, so he's hanging on my heels and nagging me to get up before I'm ready because he doesn't feel comfortable going and getting his own breakfast without me there. So I have to get up even earlier than normal. I have to look after The Little Ninja constantly and immediately. The grandparents don't OFFER to do anything and asking them to even feed The Little Ninja a bottle feels like an imposition. While I was hoping they would offer to babysit one evening so The Recyclist and I could go out for our first date since The Little Ninja was born, obviously nothing came of that. I don't know why I thought otherwise; they didn't offer to help with anything when they came to visit us here, either.

As any family visit is, the trip was packed with obligatory visits. Many of these meetings were arranged without our knowledge or input; we were only informed of them offhand. Like we should have known the extended family would be at my Dad's on Sunday and booked the time accordingly.

We somehow never got a chance to go to the mall alone - so my intended shopping trip was somewhat impeded. (The Little Ninja got wicked stuff but I seem to have mostly missed out. I'll be pushing the London trip in January with the Kiwi now in order to make up for lost shopping time. The poor Recyclist missed out completely.)

And I always find it stressful to spend an extended length of time with other people (more than 1 day with people other than my husband and son) because I just hold in all the frustration to keep the peace. I am just not a social type. I enjoy and require time alone. At home I get that. With my family? NEVER.

So it's probably no surprise that when the time comes to go home, I can't wait. I can't wait to get away from my family! Isn't that awful? I feel like an awful daughter even writing it. But seriously, by the time I leave I don't even ever want to go back. In time, that feeling changes and, of course, we do go back. But damn, I wish it could be more enjoyable.

We need more time alone.
We need days with NOTHING planned.
We need time by ourselves to go do stuff like shop.
I think we need to go for longer, much as I dread the idea.

Thus, a new resolution. Hold me to this! Next time we go to Canada (probably next summer), we will break up the trip to have some time alone on at least one mini-vacation away from my family. A good possibility would be 3-3-3-3-3-3-3. That's three weeks, with 2 three-day sessions with each parent and 3 three-day periods of vacation in between. I doubt it'll actually work out that way, but it looks like a good ideal to strive towards. 12 days of obligation separated by 9 days of freedom. Because I want to like going to Canada. I want to enjoy spending time with my family. and hopefully this is the answer. Because I don't ever want a 'vacation' like that again.